It’s nothing new to be here. I’m once again feeling as if I am Behind, not Enough, and Resenting my role of parenting. If I were to go back and read from two or three years ago, I’d see all of this in my past words.
I ponder now the inbetween times where I do not experience these truths. I’ve heard there is a spiral, and that the lessons we tackle in this life come back to us again and again and again for us to heal on higher levels.
The Karen in me is exhausted by this.
Still challenged with finding the wonder in the every day.
Still not knowing what the colors and orbs and dreams denote.
And because I feel Behind and Not Enough, I blame myself.
None of this is my fault.
I Am Enough just as I Am.
There is nothing to do or not do.
If I don’t have the passion to do it, if I don’t have the zeal to accomplish, then it isn’t meant to be.
Can I believe this? Or is it my slothful, prideful nature at work?
There is no one to ask on this earth—I must find my own answer. That may be progress...
But it makes me sad that there is no validation in sight. I truly am the expert on me.
So again, I feel alone.
All One?
Alone.
Jesus. Come to me. I know you love me. I feel as if you understand. What was it like for you on earth? You must have felt alone.
Why do I feel like commiserating with you is a sin?
Why do I feel like the world holds you so above me?
I don’t think you want me to feel this way.
I don’t think this was your aim.
I feel so sad.
Why did we put you so far away from us?
Why do we continue and continue and continue to see ourselves as sinners and beneath you and small?
When I woke up, the Expansiveness of me was Vast and Huge. I cried out to you, saying over and over again, “I didn’t know, I didn’t know.” I promised you that I would hold God’s people in my heart. I was the me that is You for that brief moment in time.
I vacillate.
Does your heart hurt Jesus? Shall I unwind the vine that binds? Who wrapped your heart in thorns? It isn’t right. Why would we do that to you? Heathens!!! Shame on us!
I will free you. I will free me. I will free us all.
But for now, the people I promised to hold in my heart make me sad.
The people I hold in my heart make me angry.
The people of this world disappoint me.
Where is my compassion?
Did the disharmonious cry of the consummate sinner stamp out my belief that we are all doing the best we can?
I am in mourning.
Is it for the naive Karen who wasn’t her authentic self? Have I been pretending compassion? Feeding a tricky ego that told me that is what good people do?
Jesus, the answer lies in you.
In you, the answer lies.
You would never withhold it from me.
It must be there for me to sink into.
I am angry.
I am disappointed.
I am sad.
I am hopeless.
I am sick.
I am sorry.
I mourn.
The seeker of harmony and love feels hopeless.
The seeker of harmony and love feels pointless.
The seeker of harmony and love feels sad.
The seeker of harmony and love feels lost.
I wanted to accept the world as it came to me.
I wanted to accept my children as they came to me.
I wanted to accept my parents and sisters and brother and children and mother in law as they showed up.
I wanted to let go of expectation and live in every moment, love in every instance.
Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.
Must I say goodbye to this Karen and her lofty, loving goals?
Goodbye, Karen. You did not know what you were doing. The lies of the Ego tricked and trumped your innocent heart. Release the wants of the Saint. Embrace the Being that is you.
I don’t know her. She is a stranger to me. How do I find her amidst the distorted lens of me? Will I even like her? She appears to be without compassion. Is she someone the old Karen would even want to be friends with? How have we all co-existed in this body? Where do I find her? Perhaps she too is resentful and angry.
Jesus, please coax her out for me. I did not know I was a hoax.
It must be time. I cannot be with my children with these new truths coming to light. I cannot pretend with them another day, but I cannot be without them either. I love them. There is no escaping my children—what a clever vehicle for this lesson—the escape artist that is me is trapped into revelation.
So I cannot do it.
I can wish and intend to release what is a lie and heal what has been hurt.
Jesus, I call upon you to show me the way to resurrect the Karen I have buried in the Ego’s false truths.
Ego, you have helped me survive this warped world. For some reason, it is too painful to keep playing the role of this Karen, and I must put down the script.
Authentic Karen, you are a stranger to me, and I am heartfully sorry to have squashed you. I am here now, ready for you to come forward and take control of this body and mind. Awaken. There is room for you. I will endeavor to forget what I have known and learn a new truth—the truth of YOU. Teach me. Show me who you are. I so desperately want to meet you. I have faith in you. I place my hope in you.
Come forth. Come forth. Come forth.
My heart aches and mourns and regrets your absence. I do not know what I do. Forgive me, I beseech you.
I Am at an impasse. I cannot go back. I can only move forward if you make yourself known to me.
Can you have faith in me?
Can you trust in my courage?
Perhaps not.
But I believe you can find space in my exhaustion.
I trust you can find sincerity in my sadness.
Limbo.
Is this the place where you can emerge?
I dare to hope.
Jesus, help me. I am empty. I do not see the road before me.
I am disappointed in the family that has silenced me. I am angry at the world that has called forth my ego. I am resentful of the Karen that wasn’t strong enough to be true to her Divine Nature. I doubt that I am receiving all of the help I could receive from my Divine helpers.
Angry! Dubious! Resentful! Disappointed! Sad!
Can you relate to this Jesus? How did you overcome the world? Must I include you in my pain? Where are you? Where is the roadmap to self love?
You are born, and then return to us as a Loving Self. I want to know the part in between—the journey to self love—the meeting of your own True Divine Nature.
Message:
Aw, Karen, so now you see. You are living that part of the journey for me now. You are an integral part of my story, just as I am of yours. We share the same beginning, I assure you that we have the same end, and now you are here to give us our self discovery middle. You are Me. Your journey is Mine. Surely you see that the lack of self discovery in the Bible is not an accident, but a revelation. You are a co-creator of My experience. You show me my journey, not the other way around. And I Am patient, as you are patient. It can be in this lifetime or the next or the next or the next. Our Divine Journey does not span one body that breathes. My journey is purported to be thirty-three years. Does that sound like it was my first time in breath to you? Sweet Karen. Release time. Genius lies in eternal patience. I have not left you orphaned.
Thank you for showing me your interpretation of awakening. Thank you for opening your mind and heart to your own True Divine Nature.
You are right that no earthly Being can see you as you are. Thank you for daring to see yourself in Me. It has been lonely, yes. Alone, until we are All One.
Go forth, Sweet Karen. Accept the moment you are in and know that the ending cannot be changed. You have reached Redemption. Show Me the way we got here. I Am waiting. I Am loving you. I Am you and yours at the same time. Believe that you are God in Motion. All is Well. All is Well. All is Well.
And I will go forth again and again and again. A seeker of souls, a diviner of truth, a prince of peace, an embodiment of the one true I Am.
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