Alone

 

The mantra "I AM that I AM" totally changed its meaning as I changed the inflection on the word That. Now, I understand, I Am THAT I Am. As in, we are One. No one is above or below or ahead or behind or anything. There is nothing else I could be, because nothing else exists.

The ideas that 'I am the Ocean in a Drop' and that we are 'Co-Creators of our Experience' and that 'Our Thoughts Create our Reality' always confused me since I couldn't understand how I could influence the people around me. I could see where My Perceptions could Change My Reality, but how could I have influence on others' experience? Aren't we all our own sentient being with our own soul and spirit and path? I would contemplate "We are One, each a piece of the All," and knew that to be true through my empathetic experiences: my heart races for my friend in California; I pull in a life-saving breath as my friend texts the word Breathe, and countless countless countless more synchronicity in dreams that solidified this truth for me. Yet, the contradictory nature of One and Separate hurt my human mind.

When I changed the inflection of "that," I finally understood that there is no mysterious being out there giving and taking and rewarding and punishing and Lording Over All. I AM is the director of this play and Karen is starring in it. I AM is showing up as Karen, and it is through the character Karen that the I AM is experiencing choices and emotions and life and death and every polarity that exists. 

And that made me feel alone.

On one hand, I wish to see through the illusion, but on the other, if I dare to believe that I am the Director and Writer and Producer and every Actor of this play, that leaves me as One. It is difficult to be One when I once knew We Were Many. Is it worth my time to talk to Angels? Is it worth my effort to share my ideas and hopes and discoveries? 

It would behoove me to play this script full-out. I AM still grasping at something that is just beyond my fingertips. My Experience tells me, I will have it in hand in perfect timing. Genius is in eternal patience--I should know, I told myself that once in a fortune cookie.

As understanding creeps upon me, I see that alone and all-one are the same thing. Ride the Wave, Throw Your Head Up in the Air, and Shoot Magic out of your Fingertips. Thanks ME. I needed that.

This realization has stripped the role of victim from me, and I find I want it back. If life isn't happening to me, but through me, what excuse do I have for fear and smallness and pain and despair. If I Am the author of my existence, then I lose my right to rail against the vagaries of life. 

Is this what is meant by an existential  crisis? Is it nothing more than a craving for the chains that bind you to impotency? 

I ask myself, why do I fear freedom?

For now I accept that I prefer to be a bird in a cage. I don't want to prefer that. Perhaps that will make all the difference.